We've all been there. You're walking down the streets late at night, with nothing in your hands but your Star Wars: The Phantom Menace DVD. As you take your normal shortcut, you see a mysterious hooded figure emerge. Who is he, and why is he here?
You walk closer to him, hoping you could make him out in the light. He walks towards you, for a more sinister purpose, however. And as your eyes meet, you see a twinge in his eyes, something oddly familiar. And then, it hits you.
He has come for your Star Wars: The Phantom Menace DVD, and he has a knife! And in those frightening moments of fear, you plead to whoever you worship that someone will save you...
You're on your own, bucko. And I'm here to teach you how to defend yourself with the ancient totally not fake martial art of Mav-Frapper®. Using Mav-Frapper®, you can defend yourself, your family, your house, and even random people on the streets!
So, how do you learn the ancient martial art of Mav-Frapper®? Well, you're about to find out!
Step One-Dress to Unimpress
So, you have to be properly prepared to do Mav-Frapper®. But how? Well, first, you have to wear the right pants. Without them, your legs will be cold, unprotected, and most likely disgusting. So, using pants, we can eliminate this threat! Make sure to wear comfortable blue pants, such as jeans, blue jogging pants, blue leggings (for the ladies), or the souls of the innocents!
As for the shirt, you want a red long sleeve shirt. It can have graphics on it, if you wish. But make sure it is comfortable, as comfort is a number one priority. And always, ALWAYS, wear a Santa Clause Hat. No, I don't care if it's July, or if you're in Arizona, or if you're being chased in the middle of Egypt by rouge mercenaries, YOU'RE WEARING THAT HAT.
And finally, to complete the look, remove your muscle and skin. Of course, for some people this is a health concern, so it is acceptable to wear a mask.
Step 2-C is for Controversy
Of course, if you are going to practice Mav-Frapper®, you have to be like Maverick! And what is Maverick? No, he's not a divine god, you silly goose...not yet, he's controversial! Whether it be by means of gruesome writing, magic debates, getting kicked off of websites (coughcough), or...Raindrops...you'll always see Maverick stirring up messes wherever he goes! So if you're going to be like him, you have to learn the Ways of War.
You see, the secret is to subtly push the boundaries until said boundaries push you back. Hard. So hard that you fall on your back and hear a large snap, and it wasn't the floor tiles.
Step 3-Sincere (Sucky) Storytelling Secrets!
Of course, Maverick is most known for his stories (for some reason), so you'll have to write like him! So here are some tips to improve your Mav-Frapper® writing!
Include lots of "..." and filler words such as "Um", "Well", and "Eh". These will lengthe-I mean, they'll provide realistic dialogue, can fill in for more *touchy* moments, and they help create a style!
Write on the go! Maverick rarely ever plans his stories (probably why they suck), so make sure you write on the spot, with very little editing or proofreading~
Include scenes that push the limits of what can be considered "Teen Friendly". Maverick has always been a boundary pusher, from Raindrops to Flameouts to Shoot Outs, he's offended everyone by now! So make sure to never hold back on your violence and content, but just call it "mature" and everyone will understand.
Step 4-Humour? Never Heard of It.
So now comes the fun part, not being funny! See, people will think you're funny, and you'll get praised for your "comedy", but inside your deep, dark, moist heart, you know that you are not funny. You know that the jokes people laugh at are only weak gags, and when people tell you they laugh, they type with an apathetic face.
This is the truth of being Maverick, as the thoughts wander your mind endlessly, looking for a home, or an end, you start to realize that maybe this wasn't a good choice after all...
HA, got you, you all know I'm funny! I wonder if I got anyone with that, heheh...heh...*sniff*
So now, armed with your Mav-Frapper® abilities, you easily take down Shia Lebouf, and retain your glorious Star Wars: The Phantom Menace DVD.
Congratulations! You've made it through this guide! So, if you for some reason enjoyed this garbage, maybe try the other things in this trashcan?