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HELLO! As you have (hopefully) read the title, this is where you can post your writing, and ask for critiques and comments... on them.... Ya


Great! Keep it nice all you mean little ogres. ;)
Permalink
| September 16, 2016, 10:29 pm
Here is my thingy:


The library doors swung open, passing dust and cobwebs through the crowded entryway, and our audience flooded into the room. Everyone was slowly taking in their new environment; a cold and drafty room, flooding with books, cobwebs, busts, and a strangely old looking Television set. On the floor, lay a red, decorative, brittle, rug. And then out of the midst of the confusing setup, thunder brought everyone’s attention to the light. It was gone.
The buzz of the mysterious Television set filled the deathly quiet room, and several gasps and whispers began passing. The crinkles and static quieted; and a slow, deep voice emitted from the set. Almost instantaneously recognizable as the one and only, Rod Serling. The almost petrified audience quieted as his soothing yet mysterious voice began to speak.
“You unlock this door with the key of imagination.” echoed the voice from the square Television set, as my eyes immediately shot to the door on the opposite end of in which we had just entered. “Beyond it, is another dimension,” the voice continued, and the image of a glass window was shown. “A dimension of sound” And then the window shattered in half; most the audience shuttered or jumped at the surprise. “A dimension of sight. A dimension of mind.” chills began running down my spine. I suddenly knew where this was going.
“You are moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You have just crossed over into…” I already knew the answer, and in my mind, played it in unison with the speaker: “The Twilight Zone.” Oh. No. The voice continued… and now, it was completely black and white.“Hollywood, 1939. Amid the glitz and the glitter of a bustling, young movie town at the height of its golden age,” man and most likely his wife walked along the grand corridor of the area, not much different then I had previously witnessed. “The Hollywood Tower Hotel was a star in its own right; a beacon for the show business elite. Now, something is about to happen that will change all that. The time is now on an evening very much like the one we have just witnessed.” suddenly it was a new scene. One of a man, in a tux, still in black and white. Rod Serling.“Tonight’s story of The Twilight Zone is somewhat unique, and calls for a different kind of introduction. This, as you may recognize is a maintenance service elevator, still in operation, waiting for you. We invite you if dare, to step aboard, because in tonight's episode, you are the star, and this elevator travels directly to… The Twilight Zone”
And then the lights returned. Everyone was exchanging glances, and unspoken thoughts, that were all evident: “What have we gotten ourselves into?” And the answer was quite simple; it had, infact, been clearly stated numerous times. We were in the Twilight Zone. And there was no turning back now… the door had been opened… up stairs, and into the boiler room.
I had never been in a boiler room, only seen pictures, and videos from who knows where. This was a nightmare version of all that. It was glowing in purple and green, steam emitting from numerous pipes and valves. There were crowds of people, all sharing the same expression as I: wide eyes, chittering mouth, and a thromping chest. That, probably wasn’t a good sign.
This was a mission I had dared myself into doing, the prize was a once in a lifetime journey- and I wasn’t going to quit. Not now, not when I was so close. But as I was amid all the tools and instruments the glorified this room, I saw what I had been searching for: The elevator.
It was a normal elevator; it contained of two metal doors, a floor chart with an arrow, pointing to the floor. But hold on… There were only twelve floors, why was it pointing down… below the twelve? Was there a- no.. that’s not possible. Or was it? That didn’t matter anymore because the doors, slowly opened and then to a halt.
I looked inside, almost military grade looking benches, and on top of that, there were seat belts. That was obviously, a very, very bad sign. But, I willing chose to sit down, and so did my group of volunteers. I walked slowly to the back and sat down, and clicked the seatbelt to the connector. There were even HANDLES. What kind of elevator was this? Broken floor dial? Seat belts? BENCHES? This was very bad. Very, very bad. The doors closed, and we shot up…
One floor? In my mind, I said “that was very anticlimactic.” but it wasn’t. Because we began backing away from the wall. The lights dimmed, and all we could see were stars. And then a new voice, stranger and more hollow than the man from before“You are the passengers on a most uncommon elevator about to take the strangest journey of your lives. Your destination, unknown, but this much is clear; a reservation has been made in your name for an extended stay.” It was pitch black, and my grip on the handles was tighter than I had ever held before, but it was almost unnecessary, because we only went up one floor again, but this time, it was light. And there was a mirror, shining in all it’s brilliance, showing an image of all of us. It was an extremely clear mirror, so clear that it took me a moment to realize that it was us in the reflection and not something else. The room itself, was decorated as most hallways in a hotel would appear, two arm tables on either side with purple drapes to match, and a potted plant on either side.
“Wave goodbye to the real world,” said the old hollow voice; I did as told. “For you have just entered… The Twilight Zone.” And with that spoken, the drapes started to fly and everything had a color change, as if a shock of lightning had erupted in the center of the room. Our reflection was swirling like a blue and purple portal, and then we swung up numerous floors, I was unable to estimate. But nothing happened, It was another hotel hallway but this time, with a chair on either side, a long hallway, and at the end, an old elevator. “What happened to dim Hollywood’s greatest showplace is about to unfold again…” And with having spoken that, five ghostly light blue silhouettes appeared in the hallway, all of which motioned to come, but then everything disappeared, save the elevator.
“On a stormy night, long ago, five people walked into an elevator, and into a nightmare. That door is opening once again,” and it did, with the five ghostly things standing inside, and they all motion to come to them again. The voice spoke once again, and for what I hoped was the last time. “But this time, for you.” And after that, we shot up, but we didn’t stop. We went to the very top; the newfound thirteenth floor. And we immediately dropped down. We were traveling so fast that have our team was levitating off of their benches, and as high as their seat belts would allow. The process continued, until once again, we reached the top, and through the enormous cavity of the hole, we could see all of Hollywood, shining, and purple. It was amazing, so much so, that I couldn’t tell if it were real or not. But there was no time for illusions, we shot all the way down again. And the process continued once again. Until we finally hit the bottom. The old man’s voice soon returned: “The next time you check into a deserted hotel on the Dark Side of Hollywood, make sure you know what vacancy you’re filling. Or you may find yourself a permanent resident of … The Twilight Zone.”
And now I have for you some advice that you won’t find in any just any guidebook: I can only assume some of you have solved the mystery of where I was, what I was doing, but I can also assume some of you are left in the dark of nothingness. And unless you're going on a Calfornia Adventure before Halloween, you will never be able to experience this.



TADa
Permalink
| September 16, 2016, 11:12 pm
Wow. I didn't read it all, but that's waaay better than mine :P
Personal narrative is my least favorite writing topic, I defenitely prefer fictional writing. I have had to do a personal narrative at the beginning of every school year, and it gets really boring and I run out of ideas. :/
Anyway, great work!
Permalink
| September 16, 2016, 11:48 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Dr. Whatdoyoueat
Here is my thingy:


The library doors swung open, passing dust and cobwebs through the crowded entryway, and our audience flooded into the room. Everyone was slowly taking in their new environment; a cold and drafty room, flooding with books, cobwebs, busts, and a strangely old looking Television set. On the floor, lay a red, decorative, brittle, rug. And then out of the midst of the confusing setup, thunder brought everyone’s attention to the light. It was gone.
The buzz of the mysterious Television set filled the deathly quiet room, and several gasps and whispers began passing. The crinkles and static quieted; and a slow, deep voice emitted from the set. Almost instantaneously recognizable as the one and only, Rod Serling. The almost petrified audience quieted as his soothing yet mysterious voice began to speak.
“You unlock this door with the key of imagination.” echoed the voice from the square Television set, as my eyes immediately shot to the door on the opposite end of in which we had just entered. “Beyond it, is another dimension,” the voice continued, and the image of a glass window was shown. “A dimension of sound” And then the window shattered in half; most the audience shuttered or jumped at the surprise. “A dimension of sight. A dimension of mind.” chills began running down my spine. I suddenly knew where this was going.
“You are moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You have just crossed over into…” I already knew the answer, and in my mind, played it in unison with the speaker: “The Twilight Zone.” Oh. No. The voice continued… and now, it was completely black and white.“Hollywood, 1939. Amid the glitz and the glitter of a bustling, young movie town at the height of its golden age,” man and most likely his wife walked along the grand corridor of the area, not much different then I had previously witnessed. “The Hollywood Tower Hotel was a star in its own right; a beacon for the show business elite. Now, something is about to happen that will change all that. The time is now on an evening very much like the one we have just witnessed.” suddenly it was a new scene. One of a man, in a tux, still in black and white. Rod Serling.“Tonight’s story of The Twilight Zone is somewhat unique, and calls for a different kind of introduction. This, as you may recognize is a maintenance service elevator, still in operation, waiting for you. We invite you if dare, to step aboard, because in tonight's episode, you are the star, and this elevator travels directly to… The Twilight Zone”
And then the lights returned. Everyone was exchanging glances, and unspoken thoughts, that were all evident: “What have we gotten ourselves into?” And the answer was quite simple; it had, infact, been clearly stated numerous times. We were in the Twilight Zone. And there was no turning back now… the door had been opened… up stairs, and into the boiler room.
I had never been in a boiler room, only seen pictures, and videos from who knows where. This was a nightmare version of all that. It was glowing in purple and green, steam emitting from numerous pipes and valves. There were crowds of people, all sharing the same expression as I: wide eyes, chittering mouth, and a thromping chest. That, probably wasn’t a good sign.
This was a mission I had dared myself into doing, the prize was a once in a lifetime journey- and I wasn’t going to quit. Not now, not when I was so close. But as I was amid all the tools and instruments the glorified this room, I saw what I had been searching for: The elevator.
It was a normal elevator; it contained of two metal doors, a floor chart with an arrow, pointing to the floor. But hold on… There were only twelve floors, why was it pointing down… below the twelve? Was there a- no.. that’s not possible. Or was it? That didn’t matter anymore because the doors, slowly opened and then to a halt.
I looked inside, almost military grade looking benches, and on top of that, there were seat belts. That was obviously, a very, very bad sign. But, I willing chose to sit down, and so did my group of volunteers. I walked slowly to the back and sat down, and clicked the seatbelt to the connector. There were even HANDLES. What kind of elevator was this? Broken floor dial? Seat belts? BENCHES? This was very bad. Very, very bad. The doors closed, and we shot up…
One floor? In my mind, I said “that was very anticlimactic.” but it wasn’t. Because we began backing away from the wall. The lights dimmed, and all we could see were stars. And then a new voice, stranger and more hollow than the man from before“You are the passengers on a most uncommon elevator about to take the strangest journey of your lives. Your destination, unknown, but this much is clear; a reservation has been made in your name for an extended stay.” It was pitch black, and my grip on the handles was tighter than I had ever held before, but it was almost unnecessary, because we only went up one floor again, but this time, it was light. And there was a mirror, shining in all it’s brilliance, showing an image of all of us. It was an extremely clear mirror, so clear that it took me a moment to realize that it was us in the reflection and not something else. The room itself, was decorated as most hallways in a hotel would appear, two arm tables on either side with purple drapes to match, and a potted plant on either side.
“Wave goodbye to the real world,” said the old hollow voice; I did as told. “For you have just entered… The Twilight Zone.” And with that spoken, the drapes started to fly and everything had a color change, as if a shock of lightning had erupted in the center of the room. Our reflection was swirling like a blue and purple portal, and then we swung up numerous floors, I was unable to estimate. But nothing happened, It was another hotel hallway but this time, with a chair on either side, a long hallway, and at the end, an old elevator. “What happened to dim Hollywood’s greatest showplace is about to unfold again…” And with having spoken that, five ghostly light blue silhouettes appeared in the hallway, all of which motioned to come, but then everything disappeared, save the elevator.
“On a stormy night, long ago, five people walked into an elevator, and into a nightmare. That door is opening once again,” and it did, with the five ghostly things standing inside, and they all motion to come to them again. The voice spoke once again, and for what I hoped was the last time. “But this time, for you.” And after that, we shot up, but we didn’t stop. We went to the very top; the newfound thirteenth floor. And we immediately dropped down. We were traveling so fast that have our team was levitating off of their benches, and as high as their seat belts would allow. The process continued, until once again, we reached the top, and through the enormous cavity of the hole, we could see all of Hollywood, shining, and purple. It was amazing, so much so, that I couldn’t tell if it were real or not. But there was no time for illusions, we shot all the way down again. And the process continued once again. Until we finally hit the bottom. The old man’s voice soon returned: “The next time you check into a deserted hotel on the Dark Side of Hollywood, make sure you know what vacancy you’re filling. Or you may find yourself a permanent resident of … The Twilight Zone.”
And now I have for you some advice that you won’t find in any just any guidebook: I can only assume some of you have solved the mystery of where I was, what I was doing, but I can also assume some of you are left in the dark of nothingness. And unless you're going on a Calfornia Adventure before Halloween, you will never be able to experience this.



TADa

Amazing!!! Excellently written,I could picture every scene perfectly!!!! I'm reading this at six in the morning in the dark with nobody else awake.... Kind of creepy.... Lol.... One thing I would suggest, it was at the beginning of the narrative, you used like 3 adjectives to describe one thing. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it might flow a little better if there were only two adjectives, or rearrange the three, so it flows of the tongue a little better..... This was an exceptional piece of writing, and would love to see a Lego creation to accompany it!!!!! That would be sooooo sweet, I'm sure you would be able to master the haunting feel in a build!!!! Anyway, keep up the great work, I'm sure you got an A+ on this!!!!
Permalink
| September 17, 2016, 7:58 am
 Group admin 
Quoting Dr. Whatdoyoueat

Well done, sir! Very well described; I could visualize the room perfectly, even though I've never been on that ride. I didn't notice the part Rhino mentioned, but on second inspection, perhaps if you rearranged it to "brittle red decorative" it would flow better. Also, I'm not sure if "the one and only" is supposed to have a comma after it. Again, amazing work! I'd love to see more from you!
Permalink
| September 17, 2016, 10:35 am
 Group moderator 
I don't have any particular story that you could critique but I'd like to get some feedback on my Insurgency series. Here's the link to the file http://www.moc-pages.com/folder.php/196865
Permalink
| September 17, 2016, 2:14 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting Dr. Whatdoyoueat
Here is my thingy

That was very nice, I only about half of it, but that half was great! The first part in library was very nice, I could imagine it perfectly. The only thing is that I found it was little bit hard to picture the elevator part, other then that, it was really good.
Permalink
| September 17, 2016, 2:33 pm
okay, so I was hoping for feedback on my WIP novel dust, but I can't actually post it here, because it contains big boy swear words (THIS IS A JOKE, DONT GET OFFENDED), So who is willing to give a stranger their email so I can send the latest chapter too them? anyone?

(if you are willing, just say and I will make a private group, cause otherwise bad things happen)
Permalink
| September 17, 2016, 3:48 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting QuartzRoolz (Patrick ~)
okay, so I was hoping for feedback on my WIP novel dust, but I can't actually post it here, because it contains big boy swear words (THIS IS A JOKE, DONT GET OFFENDED), So who is willing to give a stranger their email so I can send the latest chapter too them? anyone?

(if you are willing, just say and I will make a private group, cause otherwise bad things happen)

I'll read it. Send me an invite to the group when you make it. :)
Permalink
| September 18, 2016, 9:58 am
 Group admin 
Quoting QuartzRoolz (Patrick ~)
okay, so I was hoping for feedback on my WIP novel dust, but I can't actually post it here, because it contains big boy swear words (THIS IS A JOKE, DONT GET OFFENDED), So who is willing to give a stranger their email so I can send the latest chapter too them? anyone?
(if you are willing, just say and I will make a private group, cause otherwise bad things happen)

I'll do it.
Permalink
| September 18, 2016, 10:03 am
Quoting Rhino .
Amazing!!! Excellently written,I could picture every scene perfectly!!!! I'm reading this at six in the morning in the dark with nobody else awake.... Kind of creepy.... Lol.... One thing I would suggest, it was at the beginning of the narrative, you used like 3 adjectives to describe one thing. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it might flow a little better if there were only two adjectives, or rearrange the three, so it flows of the tongue a little better..... This was an exceptional piece of writing, and would love to see a Lego creation to accompany it!!!!! That would be sooooo sweet, I'm sure you would be able to master the haunting feel in a build!!!! Anyway, keep up the great work, I'm sure you got an A+ on this!!!!

Wow!, thank you indeed! Yes, when I read it aloud to the class, I did get a bit tounge tied. Thank you, and I will definately remeber that for next time!

And ya, a LEGO creation to go with this would be so much fun!
Permalink
| September 23, 2016, 11:36 am
Quoting Classical Bricks
Wow. I didn't read it all, but that's waaay better than mine :P
Personal narrative is my least favorite writing topic, I defenitely prefer fictional writing. I have had to do a personal narrative at the beginning of every school year, and it gets really boring and I run out of ideas. :/
Anyway, great work!



Thank you! Yes, the reason I wrote this, is pretty much same as you: First thing I write at the beginning of school. I would, also, much rather write Fictional then Non fiction. But it honestly does not matter which I'm writing; I get writers block SOOOOO easily.

Permalink
| September 23, 2016, 11:40 am
(RP) Alarms blared. Red lights flashed all over the room. I raced to the docking port with my semi-auto pistol pointed at the big, round door. The dirty metallic port then exploded sending shrapnel flying. Smoking debris lay everywhere as several so called Mandalorian troops charge in. I grab for my pistol and point it at them, "You are inside the MSS Xavier, command ship of the BRM crusaders," I warn them "at any point, I could order this ship to be destroyed." "I wouldn't like it, but sacrifices must be made in war," I continue. One, appearing to be their leader, pulls out an electro-staff and approaches me. The other enemy troops stand behind him, weapons put away. I ordered my troops to do the same. I put away my pistol and ignite my Lightsaber, and he ignites his Electrostaff. Suddenly, he lunges, and I block. I attempt an uppercut, but he deflects it. I then drop to the ground and sweep his legs out from under him, pointing my homemade Lightsaber at his mask. I make the finishing blow, and the "Mandalorian" commander is smashed. His troops then raise their guns to attack, when they hear several shots, a boom, a creak, and the sounds of a totaled boarding craft falling into space. They look back "Oh, Bantha droppings…" one says. (EndRP)

This was a piece from an RP I was in a while ago. It's fairly old.
Permalink
| January 1, 2017, 8:44 am
 Group admin 
Quoting High Emperor Duckie
(RP) Alarms blared. Red lights flashed all over the room. I raced to the docking port with my semi-auto pistol pointed at the big, round door. The dirty metallic port then exploded sending shrapnel flying. Smoking debris lay everywhere as several so called Mandalorian troops charge in. I grab for my pistol and point it at them, "You are inside the MSS Xavier, command ship of the BRM crusaders," I warn them "at any point, I could order this ship to be destroyed." "I wouldn't like it, but sacrifices must be made in war," I continue. One, appearing to be their leader, pulls out an electro-staff and approaches me. The other enemy troops stand behind him, weapons put away. I ordered my troops to do the same. I put away my pistol and ignite my Lightsaber, and he ignites his Electrostaff. Suddenly, he lunges, and I block. I attempt an uppercut, but he deflects it. I then drop to the ground and sweep his legs out from under him, pointing my homemade Lightsaber at his mask. I make the finishing blow, and the "Mandalorian" commander is smashed. His troops then raise their guns to attack, when they hear several shots, a boom, a creak, and the sounds of a totaled boarding craft falling into space. They look back "Oh, Bantha droppings…" one says. (EndRP)

This was a piece from an RP I was in a while ago. It's fairly old.

Hmmm, very nice. A few errors in the quotation marks and past/present tense, but the story is great and the flow is well done. All I'd suggest is perhaps to start less sentences with "I". Try and use some adverbs and prepositions and such at the beginning of some to give it a bit more variety, and it'll be spot-on.
Permalink
| January 1, 2017, 6:05 pm
Quoting Rove Random
Hmmm, very nice. A few errors in the quotation marks and past/present tense, but the story is great and the flow is well done. All I'd suggest is perhaps to start less sentences with "I". Try and use some adverbs and prepositions and such at the beginning of some to give it a bit more variety, and it'll be spot-on.

Yeah, as I said, this is an older piece. But my contest entry should display my current abilities.
Permalink
| January 11, 2017, 7:35 am
 Group moderator 
This is a short part of my next episode of my Insurgency story, I'd like some feedback. P.S. The spaces are where pictures will go.

Date: September 16, 2096, Location: Somewhere in Illbliss
The crisp autumn air was filled Austin Keels lungs as he crouched, looking over the small building that he stood atop. A glowing neon sign illuminated the gravel and metal of the city, casting it’s pink and azure glow on anything it touches.

As Austin looks among the concrete jungle he feels a vibration coming from his pocket, his com-link.
He takes the small silver disk out and flicks it on. A miniature version of Teresa Matlock’s right-hand man, Beldrake “Drake” Smith, appears, his flickering figure displaying his constantly moving fingers, he was thinking, he always did that when he was thinking

“You at the spot yet?” He says gruffly.
“Yeah, nobody’s showed yet though, must be late…”
“Just as well, remember what you have to do, right?” Beldrake asks quizzically.
“Yes, wait for them to come, and, once the trade-off begins, get them away and retrieve the datapad.”
Austin responds, repeating what he had memorized that morning.
“Good, we can’t risk loosing you, and if you slip up I’m pretty sure we would, Matlock doesn’t give second chances.”
“Yeah…” Austin trails off. The sound of a van approaching was beginning to fill his ears. “I gotta go!” He says into the com before switching it off.
He crouched down lower than before and looked over the edge, just as he had expected, a van had pulled up beneath him, he could here voices coming from the van, just loud enough that he could make out words.
“<i>Where, he? Said, time. Just, wait.<i>” They were obviously waiting for their partner to arrive.
Austin had to also wait, his targets had to be out of the vehicle for him to succeed in his mission.
The thugs that sat below him were members of (gang leader name)’s gang, they had come to collect a datapad. That datapad held information crucial to Matlock Mafia’s success, that’s why Austin had to take it back…
Permalink
| January 11, 2017, 7:59 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Marley Mac
This is a short part of my next episode of my Insurgency story, I'd like some feedback. P.S. The spaces are where pictures will go.

Date: September 16, 2096, Location: Somewhere in Illbliss
The crisp autumn air was<(?) filled Austin Keels<(add an apostrophe to the end of Keels, since it ends with an 's') lungs as he crouched, looking over the small building that he stood atop. A glowing neon sign illuminated the gravel and metal of the city, casting it’s<(its) pink and azure glow on anything it touches.<(switches to present tense)

As Austin looks among the concrete jungle he feels a vibration coming from his pocket, his com-link.
He takes the small silver disk out and flicks it on. A miniature version of Teresa Matlock’s right-hand man, Beldrake “Drake” Smith, appears, his flickering figure displaying his constantly moving fingers,<(not sure if this run-on sentence was intentional or not) he was thinking, he always did that when he was thinking

“You at the spot yet?” He<(lowercase 'h') says gruffly.
“Yeah, nobody’s showed yet though, must be late…”
“Just as well, remember what you have to do, right?” Beldrake asks quizzically.
“Yes, wait for them to come, and, once the trade-off begins, get them away and retrieve the datapad.”
Austin responds, repeating what he had memorized that morning.
“Good, we can’t risk loosing<(losing) you, and if you slip up I’m pretty sure we would, Matlock doesn’t give second chances.”
“Yeah…” Austin trails off. The sound of a van approaching was beginning to fill his ears. “I gotta go!” He<('h') says into the com before switching it off.
He crouched<(switches to past tense again) down lower than before and looked over the edge, just as he had expected, a van had pulled up beneath him, he could here voices coming from the van, just loud enough that he could make out words.
“<i>Where, he? Said, time. Just, wait.<i>” They were obviously waiting for their partner to arrive.
Austin had to also<(might work better if it was 'also had to') wait, his targets had to be out of the vehicle for him to succeed in his mission.
The thugs that sat below him were members of (gang leader name)’s gang, they had come to collect a datapad. That datapad held information crucial to Matlock Mafia’s success, that’s why Austin had to take it back…

Awesome, just a few proofreading things, which I've indicated in the quote section. Let me know if my nagging on grammar is annoying. :P
Permalink
| January 12, 2017, 12:27 am
 Group moderator 
Quoting Rove Random
Awesome, just a few proofreading things, which I've indicated in the quote section. Let me know if my nagging on grammar is annoying. :P

Thanks! I've always had trouble with its and it's and I've never know he is capital or not. Now I know! Also, it's not annoying, I always hate it when I make mistakes and share them with the public.
Permalink
| January 12, 2017, 5:43 am
Quoting Marley Mac
This is a short part of my next episode of my Insurgency story, I'd like some feedback. P.S. The spaces are where pictures will go.

Date: September 16, 2096, Location: Somewhere in Illbliss
The crisp autumn air was filled Austin Keels lungs as he crouched, looking over the small building that he stood atop. A glowing neon sign illuminated the gravel and metal of the city, casting it’s pink and azure glow on anything it touches.

As Austin looks among the concrete jungle he feels a vibration coming from his pocket, his com-link.
He takes the small silver disk out and flicks it on. A miniature version of Teresa Matlock’s right-hand man, Beldrake “Drake” Smith, appears, his flickering figure displaying his constantly moving fingers, he was thinking, he always did that when he was thinking

“You at the spot yet?” He says gruffly.
“Yeah, nobody’s showed yet though, must be late…”
“Just as well, remember what you have to do, right?” Beldrake asks quizzically.
“Yes, wait for them to come, and, once the trade-off begins, get them away and retrieve the datapad.”
Austin responds, repeating what he had memorized that morning.
“Good, we can’t risk loosing you, and if you slip up I’m pretty sure we would, Matlock doesn’t give second chances.”
“Yeah…” Austin trails off. The sound of a van approaching was beginning to fill his ears. “I gotta go!” He says into the com before switching it off.
He crouched down lower than before and looked over the edge, just as he had expected, a van had pulled up beneath him, he could here voices coming from the van, just loud enough that he could make out words.
“<i>Where, he? Said, time. Just, wait.<i>” They were obviously waiting for their partner to arrive.
Austin had to also wait, his targets had to be out of the vehicle for him to succeed in his mission.
The thugs that sat below him were members of (gang leader name)’s gang, they had come to collect a datapad. That datapad held information crucial to Matlock Mafia’s success, that’s why Austin had to take it back…

Cool!
Permalink
| January 13, 2017, 7:30 am
 Group moderator 
Quoting Rove Random
Awesome, just a few proofreading things, which I've indicated in the quote section. Let me know if my nagging on grammar is annoying. :P

Also, Teresa Matlock, Drake Smith, and the Matlock Mafia were all created by Wolff, I'm putting my character into his gang. :P
Permalink
| January 13, 2017, 7:38 am
My weekly writing assignment.

Herman stared at doofus. Doofus apparently didn't like being pickled. "But you're now the first pickled man!" Herman said. "Yeah, but I'm not the first angry one," Doofus replied sarcastically. "But think of all the possibilities!" Herman replied and thought for a second. "Yeah, I, uh, I got nothing," he admited. Then, Mushroom walked in and spoke "Did you pickle Doofus again?"
"Yeah, why wouldn't I?"
"Why would you!?" Doofus said
"It calms me!" Herman said defensively
"Why can't you do slow-breathing, or something?" Mushroom asked
"Slow-breathing is bad for your thermal combustion!" Herman replied
"You aren't supposed to thermally combust!"
"Pickling people has a bad effect on your social status!" Doofus said
"That's why I pickle you! Because I can't get anybody else to pickle!" Herman defended.
A cat then came, pressed eject on the DVD player, and pooped on Herman's sheep encyclopedia collection.
"Herman, you are erroneous!" Doofus yelled frustratedly
"Pickling people gives me ecstasy!" Herman shouted
"It's bad for my equilibrium!"
"But it's epic!"
"I'd love to eliminate your pickling machine!"
"How dare you!!! That pickling machine is like a son to me!"
So the argument continued and neither of them were eligible for Jell-o camp, but were sent letters of encouragement.
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| January 28, 2017, 7:13 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting High Emperor Duckie
My weekly writing assignment.

Herman stared at doofus. Doofus apparently didn't like being pickled. "But you're now the first pickled man!" Herman said. "Yeah, but I'm not the first angry one," Doofus replied sarcastically. "But think of all the possibilities!" Herman replied and thought for a second. "Yeah, I, uh, I got nothing," he admited. Then, Mushroom walked in and spoke "Did you pickle Doofus again?"
"Yeah, why wouldn't I?"
"Why would you!?" Doofus said
"It calms me!" Herman said defensively
"Why can't you do slow-breathing, or something?" Mushroom asked
"Slow-breathing is bad for your thermal combustion!" Herman replied
"You aren't supposed to thermally combust!"
"Pickling people has a bad effect on your social status!" Doofus said
"That's why I pickle you! Because I can't get anybody else to pickle!" Herman defended.
A cat then came, pressed eject on the DVD player, and pooped on Herman's sheep encyclopedia collection.
"Herman, you are erroneous!" Doofus yelled frustratedly
"Pickling people gives me ecstasy!" Herman shouted
"It's bad for my equilibrium!"
"But it's epic!"
"I'd love to eliminate your pickling machine!"
"How dare you!!! That pickling machine is like a son to me!"
So the argument continued and neither of them were eligible for Jell-o camp, but were sent letters of encouragement.

That was entertaining..... I might leave out the pooping part if I were you, It kinda detracted from the overall "mature" humor of the situation.... LOL... Other than that, It was pretty great!!!
Permalink
| January 28, 2017, 7:57 pm
Quoting Rhino .
That was entertaining..... I might leave out the pooping part if I were you, It kinda detracted from the overall "mature" humor of the situation.... LOL... Other than that, It was pretty great!!!

NOOO!!! I NO REMOVE DA POOPS!!!!! :P it's already been submitted, but my mom never really reads them... (I'm homeschooled). Besides, I had to fit "encyclopedia" in somehow!
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| January 31, 2017, 7:29 am
Corlan, a skilled Glatorian, stepped onto the sandy arena ground. He had chosen to use a small sword, and a shield. His opponent, Thanos, was the champion in the arena, a genuine Toa. Thanos had been a Toa of ice before the Makuta took over Mata Nui. When the Makuta imprisoned anyone, he would force them to fight in his arena franchise, whether against Rahi, each other, Dark Hunters, Rahkshi, or in rare cases, the Shadowed One himself. Thanos stepped onto the arena and lifted his arms, turning so everyone in the crowd could see him. His arrogance was galling. Corlan wanted to take him down a peg or two, but was worried he wouldn't be able to. The Makuta then said for the crowds to hear. "The one who wins this fight, is crowned the champion of the galaxy!"
Corlan thought it sounded good. "And, the champion may choose to be freed from captivity!" he also stated. Corlan had to win. Freedom could lead to a rebellion, but he didn't want to kill a Toa. They did too much good. The Makuta ordered for the fight to begin "COMMENCE!" he said. The Toa held his gigantic spear out, and charged. Carlon narrowly dodged. The Glatorian swung his sword, but the Toa blocked with his spear. The Toa unleashed an icy blast in an attempt to freeze his oponent to the ground, but the Glatorian dodged, his foot still frostbitten. He could hardly move. Thanos closed in on him. Corlan suddenly remembered his geology lessons. The sand they were fighting on was a unique type that heated with friction. He rubbed the limp foot against the sand, causing it to heat up, warming his foot to health. The Glatorian held up his shield to deflect the incoming spear, but fell back onto the ground. The Toa looked up to the Makuta, who gave the gesture for the defeated gladiator to be killed. The Toa held up the spear to stab the Glatorian, but hesitated. "Kill him. NOW!" Makuta shouted. "No," Thanos said under his breath. "Finish the frivolous Glatorian!" the Shadowed One urged. The Toa stuck his spear into the ground. "I will harm this honorable warrior no further than I have," Thanos stated. The Makuta then spoke. "If you won't fight each other, you must fight…" a large gate opened revealing a colossal cat-like creature. "The Panthera Behemoth!!"

Permalink
| February 26, 2017, 7:25 am
Quoting High Emperor Duckie
Corlan, a skilled Glatorian, stepped onto the sandy arena ground. He had chosen to use a small sword, and a shield. His opponent, Thanos, was the champion in the arena, a genuine Toa. Thanos had been a Toa of ice before the Makuta took over Mata Nui. When the Makuta imprisoned anyone, he would force them to fight in his arena franchise, whether against Rahi, each other, Dark Hunters, Rahkshi, or in rare cases, the Shadowed One himself. Thanos stepped onto the arena and lifted his arms, turning so everyone in the crowd could see him. His arrogance was galling. Corlan wanted to take him down a peg or two, but was worried he wouldn't be able to. The Makuta then said for the crowds to hear. "The one who wins this fight, is crowned the champion of the galaxy!"
Corlan thought it sounded good. "And, the champion may choose to be freed from captivity!" he also stated. Corlan had to win. Freedom could lead to a rebellion, but he didn't want to kill a Toa. They did too much good. The Makuta ordered for the fight to begin "COMMENCE!" he said. The Toa held his gigantic spear out, and charged. Carlon narrowly dodged. The Glatorian swung his sword, but the Toa blocked with his spear. The Toa unleashed an icy blast in an attempt to freeze his oponent to the ground, but the Glatorian dodged, his foot still frostbitten. He could hardly move. Thanos closed in on him. Corlan suddenly remembered his geology lessons. The sand they were fighting on was a unique type that heated with friction. He rubbed the limp foot against the sand, causing it to heat up, warming his foot to health. The Glatorian held up his shield to deflect the incoming spear, but fell back onto the ground. The Toa looked up to the Makuta, who gave the gesture for the defeated gladiator to be killed. The Toa held up the spear to stab the Glatorian, but hesitated. "Kill him. NOW!" Makuta shouted. "No," Thanos said under his breath. "Finish the frivolous Glatorian!" the Shadowed One urged. The Toa stuck his spear into the ground. "I will harm this honorable warrior no further than I have," Thanos stated. The Makuta then spoke. "If you won't fight each other, you must fight…" a large gate opened revealing a colossal cat-like creature. "The Panthera Behemoth!!"

-cough-
Permalink
| March 2, 2017, 7:09 am
 Group moderator 
Quoting High Emperor Duckie

Very nice! I assume this is for the Island RPG or something similar? Anyway, nice writing, there was some very cool phrases that I may use in my writing. :) The only two things that I think could be improved are 1. I would described the arena a bit more, but that's just ol' detail-obsessed me. And 2. I found you said "The Toa" a bit too much, sounds a little repetitive.
Permalink
| March 2, 2017, 7:21 am
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