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Jokes and Puns #4
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 Group moderator 
Started with admin's permission. As always, be sure to keep it clean, and definitely check out the previous forums if you find yourself in need of a good laugh.

http://www.moc-pages.com/group_conversation.php?id=21963&topicid=92690
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| January 31, 2016, 4:27 pm
 Group moderator 
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "Woman".

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
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| January 31, 2016, 4:36 pm
 Group moderator 
An elderly man comes into the kitchen one morning where his wife is making breakfast. He asks her, "Am I late for the g@rbage?" and she replies, "No, jump in!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-4-gLlF0uw
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| February 11, 2016, 10:12 pm
A pickup truck went off the side of a bridge yesterday, killing two. the occupants of the cab were able to roll down the windows and swim to safety, but the two men in the back couldn't get the tailgate down in time.

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| February 12, 2016, 11:29 am
 Group admin 
A man needs some legal advice, so he goes to see a well known, but crooked lawyer. He asks, "How much do you charge?" The lawyer replies, "$1000 for three questions". The man says, "Isn't that a lot?", the lawyer replies, "Yes it is. What's your third question?"
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| March 6, 2016, 6:46 pm
 Group moderator 
(haven't posted here in ages)

Nobody showed up for ninja training the other day... OR DID THEY???

Q: Why did Adele cross the road? A: So she could say hello from the other side.

Q: How do fish get high? A: Seaweed. (booooo)

When my grandpa turned 65 he decided to start running a mile a day to keep fit. Now he's 70 and we have no idea where he is.

Q: What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? A: "Aye matey!" (read it loud and then start booing)

Q: How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: A Brazilian.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer and I haven't been able to stop tripping ever since.

Q: What's red and bad for your teeth? A: A brick. Duh.

A toothless termite walks into a bar and ask, "Is the bar tender here?"

Q: Where did the miner go after the explosion? A: Everywhere.

Q: A farmer had 196 cows, but when he gathered them all together, he had an even 200. How? A: He rounded them up.

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life." But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

Q: What would happen if you threw blue sneakers into the Red Sea? A: They'd get wet. ._.

NEVER let your pasta touch your antipasto, or you'll risk causing a cataclysmic explosion. (BOOOOO)
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| March 24, 2016, 4:10 pm
 Group moderator 
Q: What time does Sean Connery usually get to Wimbledon? A: Tennish.

Q: What's the password for Forrest Gump's computer? A: 1Forrest1.

A magician was walking down the street... then he turned into a driveway.

Q: What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? A: Bison. (booooo)

Donald Trump. HAAAAHAAAAHAHAHAHAA-hahaha... ha... ha.

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.

I was going to tell a dubstep joke, but I dropped it.

Q: Why did the hipster drown in the lake? A: He tried to go ice skating before it was cool.

Canabananalism: when a banana eats another banana.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

I used to be afraid of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.

Patient: "Doctor, I've broken my arm in several places!" Doctor: "Well, don't go to those places any more then."

Q: What did the ghost say to the wall? A: "I'm just passing through."

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

Q: When's the best time to go to the dentist? A: Tooth hurty. (BOOOOO)

Today a man asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

(anybody still on here to read these?)
Permalink
| April 26, 2016, 9:57 pm
I am! That last one really cracked me up.

You need to know math to get this one: A mathematician walks into a bar and asks for 10 times as many drinks as everyone else. The barman says, "Now that's an order of magnitude!"


Permalink
| April 26, 2016, 10:03 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting City Creator ~
I am! That last one really cracked me up.

You need to know math to get this one: A mathematician walks into a bar and asks for 10 times as many drinks as everyone else. The barman says, "Now that's an order of magnitude!"


*slow clap*
Permalink
| April 26, 2016, 10:10 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
*slow clap*


Speaking of math, I told my math teacher the cow joke yesterday

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| April 26, 2016, 10:11 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting City Creator ~

Speaking of math, I told my math teacher the cow joke yesterday
The "Mike Howe" one?
Permalink
| April 26, 2016, 11:10 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Quoting City Creator ~

Speaking of math, I told my math teacher the cow joke yesterday
The "Mike Howe" one?


Nah the one about rounding.
Permalink
| April 27, 2016, 12:11 am
 Group moderator 
Quoting City Creator ~

Nah the one about rounding.
Oooooh. That's a good one too. The Mike Howe one could potentially get you in trouble if the person has no sense of humor. ._.

Permalink
| April 27, 2016, 8:51 am
 Group moderator 
The man who fell into the upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
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| April 28, 2016, 12:45 pm
 Group moderator 
I tried to kill a roach with Axe body spray. Now his name is Chad and he won't stop talking about his crossfit.
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| November 3, 2016, 4:43 pm
 Group moderator 
Two fleas hopped out onto the sidewalk one day. One turned to the other, and asked, "Should we walk, or take a dog?"
Permalink
| December 5, 2016, 6:39 pm
 Group admin 
Quoting Nate Andrews
Two fleas hopped out onto the sidewalk one day. One turned to the other, and asked, "Should we walk, or take a dog?"
lol, good one m8

Permalink
| December 5, 2016, 7:56 pm
 Group moderator 
Puns about communism aren't funny unless everyone gets them.
Permalink
| May 2, 2017, 10:29 pm
Old and cheesy physics/chemistry jokes:

I'd tell you a joke about sodium, but Na...

Wanna hear a joke about potassium? 'K..

A neutron walks in to a bar to get a drink, then asks the bartender: "How much is it?" The bartender answers: "For you, no charge."

Werner Heisenberg and Erwin schroedinger are out driving in Heisenberg's new car. A policeman stops them and asks Heisenberg: "do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg answers: "No, but i knew where i was until you stopped me." The policeman, puzzled by this answer decides to take a closer look at the car and looks in the trunk. He then looks up and says: "Hey! Do you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?" Schroedinger answers: "Well, NOW we do!"

Seen on the toilet of a German university: Werner Heisenberg COULD have been here!

Sorry if any of these have been posted before, i just saw the thread and wanted to contribute :-)
Permalink
| May 9, 2017, 4:08 am
Why do you do with a dead chemist?

You barium.

I'd tell you a joke about Nobel gasses, but all the good ones argon.
Permalink
| May 9, 2017, 10:47 am
Quoting James Douglas
Why do you do with a dead chemist?

You barium.

I'd tell you a joke about Nobel gasses, but all the good ones argon.

Hehe..

Q: What do chemists do with sick people?

A: If they can't helium or curium, they barium...
Permalink
| May 9, 2017, 11:07 am
Quoting Builder Allan
Hehe..

Q: What do chemists do with sick people?

A: If they can't helium or curium, they barium...


So, a proton walks into a hotel, and is approached by the bellboy, who says "can I take your bags sir?"

"No." The proton responds. "I'm travelling light."


He he he he he.

A man is about to jump off the Empire State Building, but a physicist sees him and says "don't jump! You've got So much potential!"


(Explanation- gravitational potential)



If you jumped off a bridge in Paris, you'd be in seine




(Explanation- the river Seine runs through Paris)
Permalink
| May 9, 2017, 2:07 pm
Your life
Permalink
| May 9, 2017, 2:08 pm
Quoting City Creator
Your life


The thought of you having freinds
Permalink
| May 9, 2017, 2:09 pm
Quoting James Douglas

So, a proton walks into a hotel, and is approached by the bellboy, who says "can I take your bags sir?"

"No." The proton responds. "I'm travelling light."


He he he he he.

A man is about to jump off the Empire State Building, but a physicist sees him and says "don't jump! You've got So much potential!"


(Explanation- gravitational potential)



If you jumped off a bridge in Paris, you'd be in seine




(Explanation- the river Seine runs through Paris)

Hahaha, the potential-one was great, i had not heard that one before :-D

And the Seine-one.. While i know the Seine runs through Paris, and am good at English - even for a Dane - it actually took me about a minute to get the pun in that one!
Permalink
| May 9, 2017, 3:48 pm
 Group moderator 
The more you light a lighter, the lighter the lighter gets until it's too light to light.
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| May 9, 2017, 10:14 pm
 Group moderator 
If your father's Icelandic and your mother's Cuban, does that make you an Icecube?
Permalink
| May 21, 2017, 8:30 pm
Real story:

I went to a church Christmas party and they nearly ran out of apple cider, I was only able to get a fraction of it. A friend thought that I got little, but at least I saw the cup as half full.
Permalink
| June 9, 2017, 1:25 pm
Quoting Builder Allan
Hehe..

Q: What do chemists do with sick people?

A: If they can't helium or curium, they barium...

LOL
Permalink
| June 9, 2017, 1:47 pm
Quoting Builder Allan
Hehe..

Q: What do chemists do with sick people?

A: If they can't helium or curium, they barium...


Hmm. ;) :thumbsup:
Permalink
| June 9, 2017, 9:16 pm
Womean speaking to Winston Churchill: "If you were my husband i would poison your tea!" Winston Churchill: "And if you were my wife i would drink it!"
Permalink
| June 10, 2017, 3:29 pm
Quoting Builder Allan
Womean speaking to Winston Churchill: "If you were my husband i would poison your tea!" Winston Churchill: "And if you were my wife i would drink it!"

Nice! In a similar vein:

Actress speaking to George Bernard Shaw: 'Imagine the children we'd have, with my looks and your brains!'
GBW: 'But what if, madam, the poor mites had my looks and your brains!'

Permalink
| June 10, 2017, 3:43 pm
Quoting Nick Barrett
Nice! In a similar vein:

Actress speaking to George Bernard Shaw: 'Imagine the children we'd have, with my looks and your brains!'
GBW: 'But what if, madam, the poor mites had my looks and your brains!'

Hahaha, ouch! Good one! There are some real masters of snappy comebacks out there in real life :-D I'm not one of them though :-/
Permalink
| June 10, 2017, 4:40 pm
 Group moderator 
Q: Why do ships in the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the side?

A: So that when the ships are returning to port, they can... Scandinavian.


(read it out loud if you don't get it)
Permalink
| July 24, 2017, 10:14 pm
 Group moderator 
I stood outside all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me....
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| August 19, 2017, 7:11 pm
 Group moderator 
Spiders are the only web developers who enjoy finding bugs.
Permalink
| August 27, 2017, 12:18 am
Quoting Nate Andrews
Spiders are the only web developers who enjoy finding bugs.


I doubt a truer word has been spoken
Permalink
| August 27, 2017, 7:46 am
I forgot how to put in my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

I used to have a fear of pantomimes. But I put that behind me.

" Doctor doctor! I think I'm curtain!"
"Pull yourself together!"

What do you call a magic cow?

Moodinie.

What do you call a magic owl?

HOOOooodinie

What do you call a magic dog?


Houndinie.

What do you call another magic dog?


Labracadabrador


What do you call another magic cow?



Dinimoo




Permalink
| August 27, 2017, 7:54 am
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'





'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Permalink
| August 27, 2017, 3:14 pm
Quoting James Douglas

The thought of you having freinds

Me
Permalink
| August 27, 2017, 4:09 pm
Quoting James Douglas
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'





'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

:D That's a good one!
Permalink
| August 27, 2017, 4:28 pm
Quoting Minh-Kha N.
:D That's a good one!


Thanks! It's not mine, tho. I stole it straight from a post in a chess site forum. XD.
Permalink
| August 27, 2017, 5:29 pm
 Group moderator 
A man goes to a halloween costume party in nothing but his boxer shorts. There's a woman in an all-green outfit hanging from his shoulders riding piggyback. Someone asks the guy, "Just what are YOU supposed to be?!". He replies, "I'm a turtle!". The person looks at the woman riding piggyback, then asks, "And who's that?" and the man answers, "Oh, that's just Michelle."
Permalink
| September 28, 2017, 11:49 am
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
It was sodapressing.

Ok kids, for your classwork today, I want you to answer some questions. Ok, what does the fat chicken give you? Chicken!! Ok, good, what does the fat pig give you? Bacon!! Ok, the last one, what does the fat cow give you? Homework!!



Permalink
| September 28, 2017, 1:36 pm
 Group moderator 
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Permalink
| November 6, 2017, 8:33 pm
 Group moderator 
I think Mountain Dew should be referred to as "Prairie Dew" once it goes flat.
Permalink
| November 15, 2017, 9:21 pm
 Group moderator 
If you really think about it, all of the malls and department stores are just one typo away from inviting your kids to come sit on Satan's lap.

"Satan, I want a flamethrower, and a machete, and a chainsaw, and all of the ingredients to make Molotov cocktails, and..."
Permalink
| November 25, 2017, 8:58 am
 Group moderator 
How to drink a glass of water.

Step 1: Fill glass.

Step 2: Take 2 sips.

Step 3: Set glass down.

Step 4: Forget that you have a glass of water.
Permalink
| December 10, 2017, 10:34 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
How to drink a glass of water.

Step 1: Fill glass.

Step 2: Take 2 sips.

Step 3: Set glass down.

Step 4: Forget that you have a glass of water.
As someone who drinks water, I can honestly say this is eerily accurate.

Permalink
| December 10, 2017, 10:40 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting Werewolff .
Quoting Nate Andrews
How to drink a glass of water.

Step 1: Fill glass.

Step 2: Take 2 sips.

Step 3: Set glass down.

Step 4: Forget that you have a glass of water.
As someone who drinks water, I can honestly say this is eerily accurate.

I do it all the time. Thanks to me there's usually 2 or 3 partially empty glasses around the house.
Permalink
| December 10, 2017, 11:04 pm
 Group moderator 
If a Transformer died, could you use its body as a regular car?
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| January 16, 2018, 8:19 pm
 Group moderator 
So, this huge field of marijuana caught fire in Colorado. The fire was big enough that the smoke completely engulfed a neighboring cattle farm. I guess you could say...

The steaks were high.

*dodges hailstorm of rotten tomatoes*
Permalink
| January 22, 2018, 5:30 pm
Nice one NateXD

When a turtle loses its shell, is it naked or homeless?

Permalink
| January 23, 2018, 11:01 am
 Group moderator 
Quoting Chris .
Nice one NateXD

When a turtle loses its shell, is it naked or homeless?
Bruh...

Permalink
| January 23, 2018, 7:27 pm
Found this on reddit: Academic phrases and their translation

It has long been known = I haven't bothered to look up the reference

It is believed = I think

It is generally believed = A couple of other guys think so too

It is not unreasonable to assume = If you believe this, you'll believe anything

Of great theoretical importance= I find it kind of interesting

Of great practical importance =I can get some mileage out of it

Typical results are shown = The best results are shown

3 samples were chosen for = The others didn't make sense, so in further study we ignored them

The 4 hour sample was not studied =I dropped it on the floor

It has not been possible to provide definitive answers = The experiment was negative but at least I can publish the data

Correct within an order of magnitude = Wrong

It might be argued that = I have such a good answer for this objection that I shall now raise it

Much additional work will be required = This paper is not very good, but neither are all the others in this miserable field

These investigations proved highly rewarding = My grant is going to be renewed

I thank X for assistance with the experiments and Y for useful discussions on the interpretation of the data = X did the experiment and Y explained it to me
Permalink
| January 28, 2018, 3:46 pm
 Group moderator 
When the inventor of the USB stick dies, they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Permalink
| January 31, 2018, 11:23 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
When the inventor of the USB stick dies, they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

I would pay actual money to see this happen.
Permalink
| January 31, 2018, 11:35 pm
 Group moderator 
In some very rare instances, sound can in fact travel faster than the speed of light. For example, I can sometimes hear the horn from the BMW behind me five whole seconds before the traffic light turns green.
Permalink
| February 7, 2018, 12:11 am
Quoting Nate Andrews
When the inventor of the USB stick dies, they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

In some very rare instances, sound can in fact travel faster than the speed of light. For example, I can sometimes hear the horn from the BMW behind me five whole seconds before the traffic light turns green.

Hehe, those made me laugh :-D
Permalink
| February 19, 2018, 9:24 am
 Group moderator 
In other news, all Florida students are to be indefinitely suspended until the problem of Florida clearly being shaped like a gun is solved.
Permalink
| March 7, 2018, 2:30 pm
 Group moderator 
So, this monkey is sitting in a tree smoking something that he probably shouldn't be smoking, if ya know what I mean. A big lizard comes crawling by, looks up into the tree and asks, "Hey man, you got any more of that stuff?" The monkey replies, "Yeeeeaaah bruh, I got plenty. Come on up here!" The lizard climbs up into the tree and he and the monkey just sit there smoking the... "stuff" together for a while. The lizard says, "Hey bruuuuh, this stuff's making my mouth dry out. I'm gonna go down to the river for a drink of water." The lizard clumsily climbs down out of the tree and slowly, awkwardly, makes his way to the edge of the river where he falls into the water because of his "medicinally enhanced" state. A crocodile sees the lizard fall in and helps him back up onto the shore. The crocodile then says to the lizard, "Your eyes look kinda bloodshot. Are you on something?!" The lizard answers, "Yeeeeah, maaaaan! That monkey in the tree over there gave me some really strong stuff!" The crocodile says, "Oh, no he didn't! NOT in my jungle! I'm gonna go have a little talk with this monkey." The crocodile goes over to the tree and shouts up to the monkey, "Hey, YOU up there!!!" The monkey looks down at the crocodile and says, "Duuuuude, how much water did you drink?!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-4-gLlF0uw
Permalink
| March 19, 2018, 9:31 pm
 Group moderator 
The first person to hear a parrot talk was probably not okay for several days.
Permalink
| March 20, 2018, 10:22 pm
 Group moderator 
I don't even know. Just... just watch it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHEWWfQ4pHQ
Permalink
| March 21, 2018, 9:32 pm
 Group moderator 
If you really think about it... Moses was the first person to download data from the cloud onto a tablet.
Permalink
| March 29, 2018, 12:33 am
 Group moderator 
You can't run through a campground. You can only RAN through a campground, because it's past tents.
Permalink
| May 10, 2018, 12:21 am
 Group moderator 
So, there's this redneck/hillbilly who's lived way, WAY out in the rural, isolated countryside all his life. He's never been to a town, city, or any kind of well-developed area even once. One day he receives a letter from his cousin who lives in the big city, inviting him to come visit for a while and see the city for the first time. So, he packs everything he needs, walks outside, looks around, and realizes he doesn't really know exactly where the city is, only the general direction that it's in. So he starts walking that way across the forest and countryside. After several hours he comes across a clearing and discovers a set of train tracks, but he's lived in such isolation all his life that he has no idea what they are. He thinks to himself, "Well, they're clearly man-made whatever they are, so I guess I'll just a-follow 'em til they lead me into town." So he begins following the tracks, walking directly in the center of them and stepping from one railroad tie to the next as he goes. After a while he hears a strange whistling noise echoing in the distance. He looks around, shrugs and keeps going. After a few minutes he hears it again, only closer and louder this time, and the ground is starting to shake. He's starting to get scared and walks faster, then hears the whistling noise again, but directly behind him and almost deafeningly loud this time. He turns around and sees that the speeding train, an unknown, steaming metal monster to him, is just about to flatten him. He leaps out of the way just at the last possible second, but the side of the locomotive just barely grazes the bottoms of his shoes as he jumps clear. He's sent spinning through the air and lands in some bushes, where he hides until the train passes by and disappears into the distance. Once the coast is clear he dusts himself off and continues on his journey, but now he's walking beside the tracks instead of directly on them. He finally reaches civilization and arrives at his cousin's house, where he stays overnight. He goes to the kitchen the next morning where his cousin's family is getting ready for breakfast. Just as he enters the room, the steaming teapot on the stove begins to whistle. He grabs a broom and violently smacks the teapot off the stove, sending it flying across the room where it slams against the wall and spills hot water everywhere. "What did you do THAT for?!" his cousin asks, and he replies, "YOU GOTTA KILL 'EM WHILE THEY'RE YOUNG!!!"
Permalink
| May 29, 2018, 8:21 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Oh my goodness, that's brilliant!

Also, can I just say that I appreciate how you pop in every now and then just to tell jokes? It's fantastic to see them pop up in the timeline.

Especially after all the website crashes. Good to have some laughs :)

Permalink
| May 29, 2018, 9:09 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting Werewolff Studios
Quoting Nate Andrews
Oh my goodness, that's brilliant!

Also, can I just say that I appreciate how you pop in every now and then just to tell jokes? It's fantastic to see them pop up in the timeline.

Especially after all the website crashes. Good to have some laughs :)

I DO try. :) I haven't been nearly as active lately because that boring thing called "real life" has been keeping me busy, but as soon as I learn a new joke I come straight here to write it down before I forget it. Everybody can read it here and laugh, which is the most important thing, but writing them down here is also great for keeping them stored/archived in case I suffer some kind of bizarre head injury and I do end up forgetting. Sure beats taking notes with a paper and pen.
Permalink
| May 29, 2018, 11:03 pm
 Group moderator 
Q: How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan got him for Christmas?

A: He felt his presents.
Permalink
| May 29, 2018, 11:16 pm
Quoting Werewolff Studios
Quoting Nate Andrews
Oh my goodness, that's brilliant!

Also, can I just say that I appreciate how you pop in every now and then just to tell jokes? It's fantastic to see them pop up in the timeline.

Especially after all the website crashes. Good to have some laughs :)

I second that notion :-D
Permalink
| May 30, 2018, 1:34 pm
 Group moderator 
Showers are just domesticated waterfalls.
Permalink
| June 10, 2018, 9:55 pm
Q: Why does mince meat contain so little energy?

A: Because it's in the ground state.
Permalink
| June 16, 2018, 2:00 pm
Chruschev is giving a tour in a Soviet factory to a western representative. Everywhere they go, people are not working - standing still, talking, drinking coffee etc..

Rep: Why are the workers not working? Is there a "work slow" union action going on or?

Chruschev: Oh, no no.. As you probably know, in any society throughout the world - past and present - the ruling class does not work!
Permalink
| June 16, 2018, 2:08 pm
 Group moderator 
If you sat on a voodoo doll of yourself, would you ever be able to get up?
Permalink
| July 19, 2018, 10:55 pm
 Group moderator 
MOCpages maintenance. HAHAHAHAAAAA... HA.. ha...




*cries quietly in corner*
Permalink
| July 19, 2018, 10:57 pm
 Group moderator 
Would watering an apple tree with apple juice be considered forced cannibalism?
Permalink
| July 27, 2018, 8:06 pm
 Group moderator 
If you really think about it... your car keys will always travel further than your actual car does. Now, pardon me while I go stare out the window dramatically while holding my keys.
Permalink
| August 23, 2018, 6:31 pm
 Group moderator 
A man and his wife are woken up at 3:00 in the morning by a loud, heavy knocking on their front door. The man gets up and sleepily stumbles out of the dark room and heads for the front door, and sees out the window that the lightning is flashing and it's pouring down rain. He gets to the front door, unlocks it, and angrily flings it open, only to come face-to-face with a man who is obviously very, very drunk. "What do YOU want?!?!" he demands, and the drunk man answers, "I wass juss *hiccup* wonderererering... if ya could *hiccup* come out here an' gimme a push." The man, now VERY angry, yells at the drunk, "It's 3:00 in the morning and it's pouring down rain!!!" My wife and I are trying to SLEEP!!! Call AAA or something and don't bother us again!" He slams the door in the drunk man's face and stomps back to the room where his wife is waiting. "What was all the yelling about?" she asks, and he answers, "Some drunk driver broke down or got stuck or something, and he was knocking on our door to ask if I could go out there and give him a push in the pouring rain! I told him just to leave us alone because we're trying to sleep." Shocked, his wife says, "That wasn't very kind. Everybody in this neighborhood has always been there for us whenever we got into trouble, and they've always had our backs and been so nice to us. I feel like you should pass some of that kindness along and go out there to see what you can do to help that guy." The husband sighs and says, "Alright, alright. I'll go see what I can do." He puts on a raincoat and his shoes, gets a flashlight, and steps outside into the intense storm. He looks all around but doesn't see the drunk man anywhere. He shouts out into the darkness, "Hey, are you still out here??" He hears the drunk man answer from under a nearby tree, "Yeah, I'm over here on the swing. Can ya come over here an'... *hiccup* gimme a push?"
Permalink
| August 29, 2018, 12:44 am
 Group moderator 
Anybody else ever wonder if you've bought milk from the same cow twice?
Permalink
| September 15, 2018, 10:09 pm
 Group moderator 
The dictionary is every other book you've ever read, only the words are in a different order.
Permalink
| October 4, 2018, 1:00 am
 Group moderator 
Fireflies are the opposite of waterfalls.
Permalink
| December 5, 2018, 11:27 pm
 Group moderator 
Q: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?

A: Thanks, I'll never part with it.
Permalink
| December 17, 2018, 1:21 pm
 Group moderator 
Turning vegan would be a huge missed steak.
Permalink
| January 9, 2019, 2:09 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Turning vegan would be a huge missed steak.

Hehe.. I haven't been on MOCpages for a while now, but nice to see you're still posting new jokes :-D
Permalink
| January 17, 2019, 10:41 am
 Group moderator 
Quoting Builder Allan
Hehe.. I haven't been on MOCpages for a while now, but nice to see you're still posting new jokes :-D
Whenever I hear a good joke, I always come here to write it down as soon as possible, both for documentation, and so that all 3 people who are still active on MOCpages can read it. :)
Permalink
| January 18, 2019, 2:36 am
Quoting Nate Andrews
Quoting Builder Allan
Hehe.. I haven't been on MOCpages for a while now, but nice to see you're still posting new jokes :-D
Whenever I hear a good joke, I always come here to write it down as soon as possible, both for documentation, and so that all 3 people who are still active on MOCpages can read it. :)

Great! That means that when i drop by (on that rare occasion) I can find a good laugh when i need it - to forget the sad state MOCpages is in :-D

Looking forward to the next ones!
Permalink
| January 18, 2019, 11:45 am
Quoting Nate Andrews

so that all 3 people who are still active on MOCpages can read it. :)

Hahahaha I think the idea that 4 people are active on here is twice as funny than most jokes... Sad, but funny
Permalink
| January 22, 2019, 1:15 am
 Group moderator 
Two guys are stranded on a dessert island in the middle of the ocean. They're surrounded by all kinds of delicious-looking cakes, pies, brownies, pudding, fudge, cookies, etc. One guy turns to the other, and says, "I think whoever wrote this story misspelled something."
Permalink
| March 24, 2019, 6:26 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Two guys are stranded on a dessert island in the middle of the ocean. They're surrounded by all kinds of delicious-looking cakes, pies, brownies, pudding, fudge, cookies, etc. One guy turns to the other, and says, "I think whoever wrote this story misspelled something."

*ba-dum tsss*
Permalink
| March 24, 2019, 7:18 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Two guys are stranded on a dessert island in the middle of the ocean. They're surrounded by all kinds of delicious-looking cakes, pies, brownies, pudding, fudge, cookies, etc. One guy turns to the other, and says, "I think whoever wrote this story misspelled something."

LOL :-D
Permalink
| March 28, 2019, 1:36 pm
Lif is too short!

What i if told you...
You read that last line wrong?
Permalink
| March 28, 2019, 1:37 pm
To a chemist, alcohol is not a problem it's a solution...
Permalink
| March 28, 2019, 1:39 pm
 Group moderator 
Never challenge death to a pillow fight...


Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.
Permalink
| April 8, 2019, 8:07 pm
 Group moderator 
Taking a dog named "Shark" to the beach is a very bad idea.
Permalink
| May 2, 2019, 8:52 am
Quoting Nate Andrews
Taking a dog named "Shark" to the beach is a very bad idea.

a very bad idea, but then again it would be rather funny . . .
Permalink
| May 2, 2019, 9:14 pm
I saw a really bad joke the other day... I looked in the mirror
Permalink
| May 3, 2019, 4:34 pm
 Group moderator 
Another name for the octopus could be "Bagpipes Of The Deep".
Permalink
| June 11, 2019, 6:45 pm
 Group moderator 
*looks around*

*sees that nobody is active here*

*writes the following joke anyway*

Patient: "Doctor, I have... this very weird problem. I'm terrified of random letters from the alphabet."

Therapist: "You are?"

Patient: (begins screaming hysterically)

Therapist: "Oh, I see."

Patient: (HYSTERICAL SCREAMING INTENSIFIES)
Permalink
| July 9, 2019, 12:41 am
Quoting Nate Andrews
*looks around*

*sees that nobody is active here*

*writes the following joke anyway*

Patient: "Doctor, I have... this very weird problem. I'm terrified of random letters from the alphabet."

Therapist: "You are?"

Patient: (begins screaming hysterically)

Therapist: "Oh, I see."

Patient: (HYSTERICAL SCREAMING INTENSIFIES)



Hehe.. Funny one :-D I'm not particularly active anywhere at the moment but i do check in here from time to time.
Permalink
| July 13, 2019, 5:13 am
A lady came up to Churchill one day and said: "Sir, you are drunk!"

Churchill replied: " I may well be drunk madam, but tomorrow i'll be sober and you will still be ug1y!"
Permalink
| July 13, 2019, 5:22 am
 Group moderator 
Quoting Builder Allan
A lady came up to Churchill one day and said: "Sir, you are drunk!"

Churchill replied: " I may well be drunk madam, but tomorrow i'll be sober and you will still be ug1y!"
Churchill was a savage. :D

Permalink
| July 14, 2019, 2:17 am
Quoting Nate Andrews
Quoting Builder Allan
A lady came up to Churchill one day and said: "Sir, you are drunk!"

Churchill replied: " I may well be drunk madam, but tomorrow i'll be sober and you will still be ug1y!"
Churchill was a savage. :D

Hehe yeah :-D He was great at snappy comebacks and returning insults - if you look further up this thread, i posted another Churchill-quote some time ago much like this one.
Permalink
| July 23, 2019, 10:58 am
Churchill on democracy: "Democracy is the worst form of government! Except for all those other forms that have been tried from time to time"
Permalink
| July 23, 2019, 11:04 am
Quoting Builder Allan
Churchill on democracy: "Democracy is the worst form of government! Except for all those other forms that have been tried from time to time"

This is still a wonderful quote that's worth keeping in mind.
Permalink
| July 24, 2019, 8:06 pm
Quoting [ Kromastus ]
This is still a wonderful quote that's worth keeping in mind.

Indeed! I'm all for democracy but if you really look into it, it is merely the least unacceptable form of government we know :-/
Permalink
| August 7, 2019, 3:06 am
 Group moderator 
Chuck Norris can order Chick-fil-A on Sunday.

https://youtu.be/AN2Bx_LK2io
Permalink
| August 18, 2019, 1:30 pm
 Group moderator 
Q: What did the frog say to the tailor who had no scissors?

A: "Rippit, rippit."


HAHA... HA... ha... MOCpages is DEAD.
Permalink
| September 4, 2019, 10:57 pm
Quoting Nate Andrews
Q: What did the frog say to the tailor who had no scissors?

A: "Rippit, rippit."


HAHA... HA... ha... MOCpages is DEAD.

sadly it is very dead
Permalink
| September 13, 2019, 1:11 pm
 Group moderator 
Quoting Joel Tyer
sadly it is very dead
Yep, deader than Google+.

Permalink
| September 13, 2019, 8:37 pm
 Group moderator 
A pun walks into a room and kills ten people. Pun in, ten dead.
Permalink
| September 13, 2019, 8:38 pm
 Group moderator 
For sale: dead canary. Not going cheep.
Permalink
| September 13, 2019, 8:44 pm
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